You might be more burnt out than you realise
You probably don't wake up one morning and think, I'm burnt out.
It tends to happen more stealthily than that. You stop replying to messages because you don't have the energy. You realise you haven't seen a friend in weeks. You're tired all day, then lie awake at night thinking about Mum. You become more irritated by questions that wouldn't normally bother you, and you keep meaning to book your own GP appointment, dental check or mammogram, but something else always seems to come up.
Somewhere along the way, the life you were living starts to become organised around what your parent needs next.
That is one of the difficult things about carer burnout. It can build gradually, often without any dramatic moment that tells you something is wrong. By the time you realise how depleted you feel, you may already have been running on empty for quite a while.
Burnout isn't just being tired
Caring for a parent with dementia can involve an extraordinary amount of work, and much of it is easy for other people not to see.
There are the obvious things: appointments, medications, shopping, paperwork, phone calls and visits. Then there is everything happening in the background. Remembering what needs to happen next. Wondering whether Mum has eaten. Checking the phone. Thinking about what might go wrong. Trying to work out whether Dad is still safe to drive. Negotiating with siblings. Explaining things to doctors. Making decisions you never expected to have to make.
Even when you're not physically with your parent, part of your attention may still be with them. Caring can follow you into work, dinner, conversations, weekends and the middle of the night.
Over time, that constant responsibility can take a toll.
What carer burnout can look like
Burnout won't look exactly the same for everyone, and it doesn't always look like a complete collapse.
You might notice that you're tired even after you've rested, or that small things irritate you more than they used to. You may be withdrawing from friends, finding it harder to concentrate or feeling flat and disconnected from things you normally enjoy.
You might also find that your own health is gradually slipping down the list. Appointments get postponed, exercise disappears, meals become whatever is quickest, and sleep never quite seems to recover.
Other signs can include:
feeling as though you're constantly behind
struggling to switch off
becoming more forgetful or scattered
feeling guilty when you're not doing something for your parent
losing interest in things that usually matter to you
feeling resentful, then guilty about the resentment
realising you can't remember the last time you felt properly off duty
Sometimes there is also a persistent feeling that you should be coping better.
You tell yourself other people have it worse. Your parent needs you. This is simply what families do. Maybe you aren't even doing as much as other carers you know.
None of that makes you less tired.
You don't have to be providing full-time care to feel burnt out
It is easy to imagine that carer burnout only applies to someone providing round-the-clock, hands-on care. In reality, you can live separately from your parent and still carry a significant amount of responsibility.
You might be coordinating services, managing finances, attending medical appointments, taking calls from an aged-care provider and being the person everyone contacts when there is a problem. You may also be working, supporting your own children, maintaining a relationship and trying to manage your own health at the same time.
The load isn't measured only in hours spent providing physical care.
There is also the mental load of remembering, planning and anticipating. There is the emotional load of worrying, adapting and grieving. There is the constant sense that something might happen and you will be the person expected to deal with it.
Responsibility has weight too.
Sometimes burnout is telling you something needs to change
When you start feeling overwhelmed, it is natural to look for something you can do differently.
Sleep more. Exercise. Meditate. Eat better. Take a break.
All of those things can support your wellbeing, and they matter. The problem comes when self-care is offered as the entire solution to a situation that is fundamentally asking too much of you.
If you are carrying an unreasonable amount of responsibility, the answer cannot simply be becoming better at carrying it.
Sometimes you do need to protect your sleep or move your body more. Sometimes you also need another family member to take responsibility for something. You may need respite, outside support, a change in routine or a clearer boundary around what you can realistically keep doing.
And sometimes you need support for yourself, not because you have failed to cope, but because caring for someone with dementia can be genuinely difficult.
Start with the part that is costing you most
When everything feels like too much, it can be hard to know where to start. Trying to fix your whole life at once will probably just add another task to the list.
A more useful question might be: What part of caring is wearing me down the most right now?
Maybe it is the constant phone calls. Maybe it is lack of sleep, driving across town several times a week or never knowing whether the day will be straightforward or turn into a crisis.
Perhaps the hardest part is not the practical work at all. It might be your sibling assuming you'll handle everything, the guilt you feel when you say no, or the emotional strain of watching your parent change.
Once you can name the part that is costing you most, it becomes easier to think about what might actually help.
Not what a generic self-care list says you should do.
What would make a meaningful difference to you.
You are part of the picture too
When someone you love has dementia, their needs can understandably become very large. Appointments matter. Safety matters. Medication matters. Their comfort and quality of life matter.
Your health and wellbeing matter too.
Looking after yourself isn't something you earn once everybody else is taken care of. Nor is it selfish to recognise that there are limits to what one person can continue carrying.
Sustainable caring means paying attention to the person doing the caring as well.
You don't need to wait until you're completely exhausted, angry with everyone around you or unable to keep going before deciding that something needs to change.
A small place to start
Write down everything you've done, organised, remembered, monitored or worried about for your parent over the past seven days.
Include the things nobody else sees.
The phone calls. The research. The appointments you scheduled. The things you checked. The decisions you made. The thoughts that woke you at 3am.
Then look at the list and ask yourself: Which part of this is taking the most out of me?
You may be carrying more than you realise.
